Welcome to the first annual Pier Talk Inanimate Object of the Year awards, where we scrutinize, dissect and eventually single out the one object that has captured the attention of the room in a manner which seems bizarre on the surface. However, once one considers had it not been for that object, the room would have suffered through MORE chat about Trump, Hitler, Clinton or pig like men. e why the fuck did THIS make the final cut).
I da’s Jail Bra – A very recent entry that made the cut just in the nick of time. This object spurred at least two lengthy room chats about the legality of her possession of said bra, the quality or lack thereof, wonderments about the fit and design and whether or not it matched the jail socks she also pocketed.
D an’s Movie Theatre Pee Cup – This is undoubtedly the most disgusting entry, not to mention the biggest underdog to win(I mean seriously, the mere fact it ever got discussed in the room is a testament to how gross man, in this case Dan, can be). Some of you may remember I liberally changed the description of the cup on a couple of Pier posts to Red Solo Cup, but in the interest of avoiding a lawsuit by the Red Solo Cup Co. and for historical accuracy, I would gamble it was either a 20 oz wax lined paper cup or a 32 oz styrofoam job. Tab’s Noisy Refrigerator – Another topic of repeated conversation this fall, most recently last night in an hour long display of questions and lively conversation ranging from the age of the fridge to why the fuck her brother can’t hear the same shit she does and to the merits of Amana and new refrigerators in general, one might wonder how she has the nerve to repeatedly bring it up then vocally declare she is done talking about it as if there is some hourglass labelled “Noisy Refrigerator Chat Time” on her desk that just ran out of it’s last fucking grain of sand. Overlooked by many in attendance was the most obvious questions/possible answer by Hyp and Mobi asking/reminding her about her hearing problem and Mobi continuing on with the very probable declaration it was possibly her hearing aids interacting with the sound on some electrical signal wave shit. Which of course would explain why her “asshole” landlord can’t hear it either. But no, that’s too goddamn easy because if the problem gets SOLVED, she can’t discuss it anymore. Wait, i take that back, i can just see her doing a “Remember when” night where it becomes front and center once again.
Zizzy’s Simmering Thyme – On the surface, one might consider this the favorite to win, because thyme after all, apparently cures all ills in Zizzland. Coughing too much? Phlegm almost making chelsea sugar daddy websites you drown? Pay no mind to the medical profession and the chance you might have some serious fucking shit wrong with you, just simmer thyme. Got long ear hairs? Simmer thyme. Wearing a jail bra that doesn’t fit perfect? Don’t rant online, simmer thyme. Refrigerator playing funky music white boy? Simmer thyme. Boyfriend cheating on you? Simmer thyme bitch, it will relax you.
Before we announce the winner, I would like to declare two honorable mentions that just barely missed making the final round. Tab’s swimming pool, which just wasn’t used enough to elicit lengthy chat about it and Zizzy’s Head Caving Tire Iron. The latter got talked about plenty this year, but 95% of the chat about it was by Zizz repeatedly bringing up the topic BECAUSE THE BITCH IS PROUD OF WHAT THEY DID.